Etiquette in "Sardinian sauce": do you know the rules?

Bringing flowers to the mistress of the house on the occasion of an invitation to dinner? "Wrong". Elbows on the table? "Never". Opening the car door for a woman? "Depends".

These are some of the suggestions that the Italian Academy of Good Manners, Etiquette and Costume , the first and only school in our country, recalls on the occasion of its tenth birthday . Behind the motto "Know the rules to have fun breaking them", the Academy, founded in Rome, underlines how over time the rules of education have changed: «They are no longer rigid but represent a sort of social grammar, experiences to feel good together», explains its president, Samuele Briatore, to L'Unione Sarda.

40 years old, from Piedmont, he also knows the Sardinian reality well because in the southern area of the island he frequently holds training events for hotel employees . In this context, one of the mistakes that are most frequently made is to call the workers "you" (waiters, dining room staff and service staff in general): «It's a somewhat rough way of addressing each other, it is always better to prefer the "lei", but there are other good manners that Sardinians have inherited from the past and on which etiquette always expresses great protection, especially as regards traditions».

What are the rules that have changed to a greater extent than in the past?

«By now those according to which a married woman cannot take a position in a discussion, or that mannerism of peeling fruit with a knife and fork, or still that for which a man must always pay at the restaurant are obsolete».

Which one has been shelved but should be revived?

«The "she" is something that gives many opportunities. Let's think, for example, of our elders, it is impolite to call "you", especially when it is not required. Many of those hospitalized in RSA or similar already lose their dignity because they have to be cared for in every aspect, even strictly personal, calling "you" means taking away their freedom of seniority and precisely their dignity".

Are young people more or less educated than adults?

«Kids are more educated than us, men and women born in the 70s and 80s. We have legacies of the past in a classist style, we grew up with the myth of the self-man, of the penny. When I hold events in schools, the students tell me that they have by now unhinged the man-woman pairing, they have passed the stage of using words to identify someone based on their physical characteristics, there is a lot of attention for the phenomena of bullying and bodyshaming. Obviously they lack the experience of real etiquette, therefore how to behave in certain situations».

Etiquette, an unknown to most?

«I'm very positive, I've seen an evolution in Italian history, before attending our courses were the "sciure" from Milan in fur coats who wanted to know if French porcelain or Richard Ginori's services were better, today professionals, students, lawyers who want to improve their ability to be with others, learn how to mediate a conflict, or how to behave with a Chinese or in overseas vacation spots».

Are there rankings with the most educated and the least educated in Italy and abroad?

«Not really, but I can say that in Italy Naples and Turin are the two sisters: they have an enormous formality because they are the cities that have had to deal with the aristocracy for the longest time. And still today they retain the spirit of the label. In relation to other states, Italian, however "caciarone" it may be, or speak loudly and may be rough, is actually what knows how to put people at ease, in any circumstance it puts you in the environment, this it means that he has qualities: education, kindness and empathy ».

Let's come to practical cases: who enters a club first? The man or the woman?

«It depends: this way of doing things is no longer so clear-cut. The theory has it that the man enters a closed room first to check that everything is fine inside. Now that's not the case anymore, whoever invites enters first. Once the woman was subordinate to the man, nowadays, for example, she can be a company manager and she is the one who accommodates her employee».

Who goes out first?

«Here too: if you hold the door to whoever follows, the guest comes out first. Then there are various factors to consider, if it rains the man goes out first because maybe he opens the umbrella for whoever is with him».

Car door open to woman, yes or no?

«It was a valid rule when it was only the man who drove, today the woman often accompanies the man. So there is no longer a sharp vision of distinction. Another matter is courtship: it is clear that we must always keep in mind who is in front of us. There is no need to open the door to a lady who we know is a staunch feminist, for example".

Elbows on the table?

“Never, and hands always in sight. This in Italy: the English etiquette requires instead that if we don't use the left hand we can place it on one leg, the other remains resting on the table at the height of the wrist, open and never with the fist, relaxed».

mobile phone?

«Absolutely not on the table and not even to be used to photograph the food. This obsession that food should be shown and portrayed is out of place. If I'm having dinner with someone, I'm interested in being with them, I should care very little about what they put on my plate».

Cutlery: what is the order rule to follow?

"It always starts from the outside in."

And the glasses?

«For the classic equipment – therefore with both goblet glasses of water and wine – the one at the tip of the knife is for wine, the other is for water. In the modern style there is the stemless tumbler: that is for water».

And who doesn't know how to proceed?

"Look at the landlord or landlady."

How is wine served?

«You should serve with your right hand pouring to your left».

When do you get up from the table?

«When the protagonist of the event gets up, be it dinner or lunch, or the master or hostess».

What not to do if you are a guest in someone's home.

“Don't touch the furniture. And neither do pets, you always have to ask first if you can pet the cat or dog».

What to bring as a gift?

«If it is a formal invitation, nothing, a bouquet of flowers with a note will be sent the day after or the day before, if informal, a prosecco or small sweets to share at coffee time are fine. Not the wine, so as not to embarrass our hosts, who certainly have thought of everything, and not even a cake».

Flowers theme: is there a bon ton?

«There are flowers that are more or less suited to the circumstances: generally not the very symbolic ones such as carnations or red roses. Let's rely on multicolored bouquets or even better on a potted plant, which is also more eco-sustainable ».

How does etiquette on social media behave?

"Let's start with friend requests: generally it's better to say "If you want, add me on Facebook and we'll talk there", it means "I leave you free to decide whether to do it or not". Or a private message explaining who we are and where we met, always leaving the other free to decide what to do.

Moving on to customs in Sardinia, who pays at the restaurant?

«Who formalizes the invitation. If it is a question of several friends who organize a dinner, it is done “alla Romana”, or the bill is divided so that everyone can offer a part ».

The Sardinians, notoriously very hospitable, do not allow those arriving from outside to pay even for a "round" of drinks at the bar. How to behave to repay?

«It is a widespread custom in many areas of Italy and very territorial. Tradition still wins, the guest will repay later, perhaps with a gift or a tribute. A bit like “bon appétit” is banned at the table, but if the landlord says so we cannot help but respond».

In many countries it is customary to address the elderly as you, is it good manners?

«It is a legacy, it was used as a medium-formal register, although many think it is more of the "she". Historically however, to give an example of southern Italy, the doctor was called "you", the father and mother of "you", therefore a more familiar context".

Eating pork with cutlery is impossible, what's the alternative?

«Like all local preparations, tradition is applied: it is eaten with the hands as well as the mixed fry of street food, the Sicilian arancino or bread».

And the hedgehogs?

«The pulp is collected and brought to the mouth with a small cutlery. What matters is not to make the so-called "sucking noise"».

On the beach, how to deal with a rude person who talks on the phone on speakerphone?

«Noise pollution is one of the most frequent problems. Since we are not responsible for the behavior of others, it is better not to point out the person as "rude", but to talk about yourself. For example by explaining: “You don't know how much this noise annoys me, this is my only vacation of the year, I would like to relax a bit”».

At weddings up to what degree of kinship can you go for invitations?

«There is no rule, tradition wins in this field too. Etiquette will always protect local custom.'